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Archive for March, 2010

So this week starts the last 6 weeks of the semester, and subsequently, my junior year of nursing school!  Went by so fast, it’s ridiculous.

The next 6 weeks (9 days total) I’ll be spending at a suburban hospital in my Maternity rotation.  That means I’ll be hanging out with laboring women, women who’ve just given birth, and little teensy-eensy babies!

I believe they’re splitting us up into 3 sections in our various days on the floor:  Labor & Delivery, NICU, and Postpartum Care.  I don’t think they have a nursery at this particular hospital, so the newborns are kept with the mother in Postpartum Care.  We’ll be responsible for performing assessments on the new mothers and new babies, and (hopefully) observing a ton of vaginal births and some C-sections.  I’m actually really looking forward to this!

Part of the reason I’m excited is because it’s very much out of my comfort zone.  First, as a man, I’m required to have a “chaperone” with me at all times when I’m with a mother.  I can’t examine or assess her by myself, so another female student will have to be with me whenever that’s happening.  Secondly, I was never very good with babies.  They just usually cry when I hold them.  Some people claim it’s just because I’m tall and have a relatively deep voice, so maybe the babies are frightened.  I’d like to imagine it’s something much weirder — like I emit some strange aroma only babies can detect and it really scares them.

Well, now that I think of it, maybe it’s an aroma only babies and women can detect.  Hehe.

Been very much M.I.A. lately here on AiNS.  Been working very hard as Co-Chair of a local Relay For Life, as part of the American Cancer Society.  It’s a lot of work, and it’s been taking up all my free time, unfortunately.

Hopefully I’ll start posting regularly again.  Maybe nothing long, just small tidbits that people can read quickly.

Hope you’re all well!

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Remix of the Day #1

Gonna start a new series here on AiNS, where I take something I’ve heard in class or in the hospital … and think a little differently about it.  Today’s remix comes from yesterday’s lecture on childbirth:

An example of something no one will ever, ever say to me:  “We’re gonna get your cervix ready for tomorrow.”

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Breast milk is 87% water.

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“Is she depressed because of the thyroid condition, or is she depressed because her life’s a mess?”

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Nursing School Quotes #10

“I just don’t like people on insulin drips to be part of the huddled masses.”

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Well hello there, everyone!  Long time no post.  Well, hope I can remedy that with today’s post.  In a slight departure from my usual nursing-related stuff, here’s a lil’ entry, wherein E and I discussed the Oscars … long-distance style.  While I live in Philadelphia, E … does not, and therefore instant messenger is our weapon of choice.  So, without further ado, here comes the snark.  WARNING:  This will be totally stream of consciousness, and most of it might make absolutely no sense, so if that terrifies you, just wait til’ tomorrow, when we return to our regularly scheduled programming of nursing quotes, medical facts, and weird stories about patients.  Enjoy!

E: I just turned on E’s red carpet show. I love/hate this crap.

NurseKenny:  I’ll be back in a bit, finishing my financial aid.

E: Ok, I’ll be here doing laundry, enjoying mac and cheese, and watching awkward interviews.

E: This just in:  I have seen one movie that is nominated tonight.

E: This just in:  Charlize Theron has fabric cupcakes on her breasts.

NK:  Just for the record, this is making me wanna throw up.

NK:  This preshow nonsense is making me want to take a nap.

E: I’m sure you won’t miss anything if you do.

NK:  Miley Cyrus might be cute if she would throw her shoulders back a bit.

E: And also if she was of legal age for you to be checking out.

E: Why do spouses stick around during interviews?

NK:  Would be hilarious if his wife were like, “Oh, honey, I see P. Diddy over there, gonna go talk to him, enjoy your interview.”

E: Oh, jeez, Kenny, what’s wrong with us?  We didn’t ask each other who we’re wearing.  That’s how we’re supposed to start Oscar night nominations.  Also, I want to be friends with Kate Winslet.

NK:  Me too.

NK:  I wouldn’t mind being married to her either.

E: I’d totally bail on a celebrity husband during the interview part of the night.

E: You should marry her!  And then we can all hang out!

NK:  You’re using me for the Winslet Friendship!

E: True.

E: You don’t mind, do you?

NK:  Not at all.

E: Ok, good.  I’m going to marry a baseball player so you can be friends with him.

NK:  I feel like this dude is gonna do a backflip at any moment.

E: That would be amazing.

NK:  How much you think his haircut cost?

E: I’m saying that’s at least a $300 haircut.

NK:  I’m eating organic popcorn from Whole Foods, and it really is not very delicious.

NK:  Mmmmm Mariska Hargitay.

E: You can’t marry her.  That name is way too hard to spell and pronounce.

NK:  I feel like I’m eating a manila folder.

NK:  Oscars!!!

NK:  Oscars!!!!!

E: Woo!  Oscars!

NK:  Oscars!!!!!!!!!!

NK:  Exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

E: This is lame.  What is going on?

NK:  Sandy Bullock looks fetching.

E: I heard they’re doing different stuff with the show this year, including different thank-you speeches.

NK:  Different thank-you speeches?  As in, hopefully none?

E: And my hopes are high for a NPH sighting.

NK:  Ya know what’s funny, NPH also means something in nursing!

NK:  NPH!!!!

E: HAHA there he is!

E: I was right!

E: There he is!!

E: And he’s sparkly!

E: I want to be his hag.

E: What does NPH mean in nursing?

NK:  It’s an intermediate-acting type of insulin.

E: I sort of love the look of the show.

NK:  I sort of already tuned out.

E: How can I be snarky when there is NPH and a good set?

NK:  I dunno, make fun of the showgirls or something.

E: And that light cue at the end was late.

NK:  And that spotlight guy sucks.

E: Spotlights are really hard to operate.  I suck at it.

NK:  Does anyone actually take this show seriously?

E: Why do these shows insist on having this intro garbage?

NK:  Helen Mirren is the hottest old woman ever.

E: Totally smokin’ hot.

NK:  Meryl loves throwing her head back and chortling.

E: Sandy Bullock maybe has a little too much Botox in her forehead.

NK:  Shut up, Sandy Bullock is awesome!

E: So you’re into the PlasticFace?

NK:  Not at all, I’m just into Sandy Bullock.

NK:  I can’t tell when people have Botox.

NK:  Someone’s mic is picking up clapping.

NK:  They need to turn off their mics when they clap.

E: When their foreheads are freakishly smooth, they’ve had Botox.

NK:  Did you see Avatar?

E: Nope.  And I hope I never do.  The hype over it makes me hate it.

NK:  That was stupid.  (Not what you said.)

NK:  Kathryn Bigelow is pretty durn cute, too.

NK:  Clooney’s hair is long.

E: Do you always feel like you can see the simmering resentment bubbling under Clooney’s suave exterior?

NK:  Mmm hmmm.

NK:  I’m disappointed in Sandy if she did Botox.

NK:  She seems so down to earth.

E: Her eyebrows can’t move!

E: Botox!

NK:  Jeff Bridges is terrifying.

NK:  Like he might snap at any moment and murder someone.

E: Yeah, but until he snaps, I bet he’s fun to party with.

NK:  I was hoping Penelope Cruz and Tom Cruise would get married so she’d be Penelope Cruz Cruise.

E: I don’t like her gown.

NK:  You have terrible taste in gowns.

NK:  It’s asymmetrical.

E: It is indeed.

NK:  It’s awkward.

E: You’re awkward!

NK:  I am awkward!

NK:  I love that I’m awkward.

NK:  Matt Damon has aged a bit.

E: I can’t take Woody Harrelson seriously as a military guy.

NK:  Is Helen Mirren married?

NK:  And if not, do you think she’d marry me?

E: No.  She told me that she’s waiting for you.

E: The Lovely Bones was a bad book.

E: Why are there two tiny lamps on the stage?

NK:  I think the 2 tiny lamps are for the people sitting down there to read their novels, b/c they’re so bored.

E: Ooh, right, that makes sense.

NK:  “You’re changin’ that boy’s life!”  PAUSE  “No, he’s changin’ mine.”

E: And it’s a sports movie, it’ll make you cry.

NK:  It certainly will, that’s why I’m gonna make you watch it with me.

NK:  Bring tissues and a Slurpee.

NK:  Can you fit a Slurpee in your cargo pants pocket?

E: Do I get to point and laugh at you and tell you that you’re girly for crying?

E: And yes, I can fit at least a couple Slurpees in my cargo pants.

NK:  Why else would you come with?

E: Um …. I’m not really sure.  I mean, when you’re married to Kate Winslet, I’d hang out with you to hang out with her …. but until then it’s the pointing and laughing really.

E: I think the Oscars should be required to deliver snacks to anyone who is willing to watch their lameness.

E: Why are they wasting time with this?

NK:  Trying to make us laugh?

E: It’s not working.

NK:  I’m not laughing.

E: I am also not laughing.  I’m not even smiling.

E: I’m actually resisting the urge to throw my remote control at the TV.

NK:  Really?

E: Yes.  Breaking my TV would make the raging stupidity stop.

E: This guy is goofy looking.  I like him.

NK:  Yeah me too.

E: Do you think he’d hang out with Kate Winslet and me?

NK:  Why isn’t the one gal waiting for the other?

NK:  So rude.

E: They’re hiking their dresses way too far up.

E: Miley’s dress is awkward.

NK:  It really is.

E: And bad posture.

NK:  Her shoulders are awkward.

E: Very bad posture.

NK:  I can’t talk, though, I have the worst posture in Philadelphia.

E: But you’re not at a formal event in front of millions of people.

NK:  Precisely why I’m not in front of millions.

NK:  They won’t let me.

NK:  I kinda do not like Randy Newman songs.

E: You’d be a bad influence.

NK:  Holy cow t-bone frightens me.

NK:  That was my one and only chance to say “t-bone frightens me.”

E: I like that they have not-so-great actors introducing these movies.

E: I mean, that’s really the only time Ryan Reynolds is getting on the Oscars stage, you know?

E: What are your feelings about yogurt?

NK:  Yogurt?

NK:  Tina Fey’s gown is also asymmetrical.

E: Asymmetry makes stuff interesting.

E: Also, I’m a fan of yogurt.

E: I think Tarantino is angry.

E: He scares me.

E: I’d cross the street to avoid him.

NK:  I’d cross the street to avoid pretty much everyone.

E: Haha!

E: It’s funny because it’s true.

NK:  Very true.

E: Matthew Broderick looks tired.

NK:  I guess asymmetry is in.

E: And all of them have the higher point on the right shoulder (or left side as we’re looking at it).

NK:  Alec Baldwin looks so funny.

E: I am not an Alec Baldwin fan.

NK:  Me neither.

NK:  I don’t like how he called his daughter a “fat little pig” or whatever he called her.

NK:  Judd Nelson looks like a serial killer.

E: He really does.

E: And Ally Sheedy (Sheety?) is creepy.

NK:  Ally Sheedy is kinda cute.

NK:  I’m beginning to think Samuel L’s Kangol cap is actually part of his scalp.

E: I wouldn’t mind if Samuel L. Jackson never made another movie again.

NK:  I’m ready for bed, I think.

E: Me too!

NK:  I’m disappointed in that popcorn I ate.

E: Disappointing popcorn is so heartbreaking.

E: That dress is gonna give the audience a sneak peek of her lady bits.

NK:  And I think it’s a prerequisite for me that my wife have some sort of accent.

NK:  Is that too picky?

E: I don’t think so.  You gotta have standards.

NK:  It’s not too much to ask for an English accent.

NK:  Or maybe something European?

E: Maybe German?  Because then you could speak to her in English and German.

NK:  I think it’s also a prerequisite that my wife speaks German, so that our babies (we’ll have 10 or 12) will be bilingual.

E: Does that purple dress have a Muppet pelt sewn on the bottom of it?

NK:  A Muppet pelt?  That’s hilarious.

E: Where else would someone get something that purple and fluffy?

NK:  Jo-Ann fabrics?

E: I don’t like any of these people.  They’re all wasting our time.

NK:  This lady … I kind of hate her.

E: Yeah, who is she and where did she come from?

NK:  That lady just ruined the Oscars for that dude.

NK:  Guess who Carey Mulligan is dating?

E: Um …. first you’re going to have to tell me who Carey Mulligan is.

NK:  Carey Mulligan is the cute blond with the accent.

E: Oh, she’s dating you, right?

NK:  Yes!

E: Also, Ben Stiller needs to go away.  Far far away.

E: I wouldn’t cross the street to avoid Ben Stiller.  I’d cross the street to get to him so I could kick him in the shins.

NK:  If you could take a time machine anywhere, where would you go?

NK:  And don’t say when Cappy was single.

E: Ok, well you took my first answer, so I’ll have to think about it ….

E: How about you?

NK:  I think I’d go back to like, mid 1800s.

NK:  But before the Industrial Revolution.

E: Mmm … Jake Ggyylllleennhhaaaall …..

NK:  This is quite a good-looking couple.

E: I can’t decide if I love or hate her dress.

NK:  Rachel McAdams is pretty.

NK:  This guy could ask me to give up Slurpees and Blow Pops for the rest of my life and I think I would.

NK:  Jake Gyllenhaal has gotten beefy.

E: Queen Latifah’s dress is so pretty I can hardly stand it.

NK:  I like seeing old actresses alive today.

NK:  I bet someday you’ll be 90 and get a standing ovation.

NK:  One of the greatest pickup lines in this movie.  He’s sitting there with her in his room, and she asks what he wants to talk about, and he says “I wanna talk about how bad you make this room look.  I never knew what a dump it was until you came in here.”

E: Wow, you have to deliver that line just right for it to work.

E: Because I read it as an insult.

NK:  I’ve decided, E.  I like my gowns symmetrical.

NK:  Avatar was a really beautiful movie.

E: Avatar makes me want to punch someone in the face.  Is that irrational?

NK:  A little.

NK:  But I like your spunky attitude.

E: I am 100% uninterested in horror movies.

NK:  I’m 100% uninterested in the Oscars.

E: Do you think Morgan Freeman would narrate my life if I asked him to?

NK:  I think he might.

NK:  But I gotta say, there’s probably quite a lot of him saying, “And there’s E, sitting at home, typing on her computer, and makes … yet another … strange food.”

E: “E …. is lazy… but her hair looks nice.”

NK:  If I’m ever at the Oscars, you will be my date.

NK:  But you have to promise not to freak out when I win.

E: I sure will be!  But I can’t make that promise.

E: I can promise that I will bail on you during interviews though.

NK:  Elizabeth Banks is pretty cute, too.

E: The top part of her dress is amazing.

E: The bottom part of her dress is … fluffy?

NK:  I think it might be made of … orangutan?

E: Yeah, that sounds right.

NK:  Was there even any cinematography in this movie?

E: I guess so.  I think it was during the end credits.

E: Demi scares me these days.

E: She’s clearly an android.

NK:  She’s plugged into those lamps.

E: James Taylor!!!  I love him far more than someone of our generation should.

NK:  Wow he doesn’t sound so good.

E:  You don’t sound good!

NK:  I sound great!

E: You sound horrible!

E: But James Taylor sounds like a choir of (folky) angels!

E: When I design the lights for the Oscars, I’m making the dead folks part bright and colorful to celebrate them.

E: None of this dramatic, stark white light garbage.

NK:  You should have lots of rainbows.

NK:  And puppies wandering aimlessly across the stage.

E: And unicorns.

NK:  E, they’re not real.

E: What is J. Lo smuggling under the side of her dress?

NK:  Cheetos.

E: When was the last time someone said anything useful in their acceptance speech?  They need to cut down the speech time.

NK:  When we produce it, each winner will be required to either a) tell a joke, or b) rap their acceptance speech.

E: Can we add an option for interpretive dance?  Because that could be comedy gold.

NK:  No way!

E: We’re going to have to have a couple meetings about this issue.

NK:  A couple?

NK:  That’s so inefficient, E.

E: Well you’re stubborn and I assume it’ll take a few meetings to change your mind and allow interpretive dance.

NK:  Only if you insist that there be a working Slurpee machine in my office.

NK:  Then we can have interpretive dance.

E: Well of course you’re going to have a working Slurpee machine in your office!

NK:  Ok we have a deal.

NK:  Tarantino seems so odd.

E: Tarantino is clearly a crazy person.

E: What are they babbling about?  Give the award and let me go to bed!

NK:  Colin Farrell annoys me.

NK:  Like, he could care less.

NK:  They’re actors, they should memorize!

E: Maybe they’re memorized with a teleprompter just in case.

NK:  We’re making them memorize.

E: Absolutely.

NK:  And if they mess up, they fall through a trap door into a pit of spiders and snakes and alligators.

E: That seems like a fair punishment.

NK:  That’s a nice dress she’s wearing.

E: Nice dress?  GREAT dress!

NK:  It’d look better in my closet.

E: It’d look better on your floor!

NK:  I was gonna say that!

E: But of course you wouldn’t let that happen.  You’d take a quick break to get it on a hanger.

NK:  Of course.

NK:  My floor has dust on it.

E: When I go to the Oscars with you, remind me not to wear a strapless dress because it sometimes looks like the ladies are naked in certain shots.

NK:  If you wear a strapless dress, I’ll wear a strapless tux.

E: I like Meryl because she’s a little weird-looking.  Most famous actresses aren’t weird-looking.

NK:  I like Meryl b/c she’s my cousin.

NK:  Ok, that’s a lie.

E: If we’re gonna be up this late watching, something good should happen.

NK:  Wow she’s pretty hot.

E: She really is.

NK:  And she was married to James Cameron.  Shows she has poor taste.  So maybe she’d go out with me.

E: Women’s bodies don’t look like that in tight dresses unless there is some serious spandex under there.

NK:  What does it do?

E: Holds everything in tight.

NK:  All the jibbly-jabblies?

NK:  Bigelow seems shocked.

E: Yeah, she has no idea what’s happening.

NK:  Either she’s in shock or she’s tripping on the LSD she just did backstage.

E: Ha!

E: Maybe a little of both.

NK:  My grandparents are gonna freak out when they read this blog post.

NK:  Sorry Grandma and Grandpa, we’re just joking!

E: Oh jeez, I forgot this is for a blog post.

E: Did Alec just pat her on the tush?

NK:  I think he might have.

E: He’s icky.

NK:  He was checking to see if she was wearing those spanky briefs or whatever you called them.

E: Spanx is the big brand, but you can buy cheap ones at just about any place that sells undies.

E: Well, it’s midnight, and that means it’s time for bed!

E: Woo!  Bed!

NK:  Thanks for being online with me for The 1st Annual Oscars SnarkFest.

E: It was my pleasure!

NK:  Night nite darlin.

E: G’night dearie!

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SnarkFest 2010:  Oscars Edition!

Read and chuckle as E and I discuss the Academy Awards.

Coming soon …

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